40 week bellySo, I'm a goal-oriented person, and when a goal I had in mind has come and gone with no results, I'm left to wonder what to do next. I have been so focused on getting to October 30th that now that it has passed and I'm left still pregnant and unsure, coping with the next week or so seems like an impossible task.
I'm frustrated that my body isn't responding yet to the fact that it's time to be in labor, and I'm feeling like God is trying to teach me a lesson. I'm no go at relinquishing control and so I am sincerely hoping that this is His gentle way of reminding me who is in charge but that He has full intentions of creating a happy ending out of what has now become a stressful time for us.
Admittedly, after meeting with the Doctor today, I'm feeling about as hopeless and helpless about this delivery as if I had just received yet another negative pregnancy test. I feel like he was preparing me for the fact that something isn't right and something will go wrong and it isn't going to end on a happy note like it did with my first labor and delivery. Now, whether I'm reading into his words or not, I guess who really knows, but what I heard was not what I wanted to hear and I'm left feeling sad. I have chosen to go ahead and start my maternity leave, in hopes that I can spend the next few days focusing on what really matters and more on the situation at hand as we look expectantly toward the end of our time as a family of three and become a family of four.
I guess I will have to go on faith, which I don't have a great deal of most days, that everything is going to turn out fine. I will stop walking, and eating spicy foods, and making Tony massage my ankles and feet and give up all of the measures that are fun to joke about but not really practical for sending me into labor...and I will just have to become diligent about praying specifically for what I want for my baby girl. Other than that, I'm at a loss...we are both feeling at a complete loss and are desperate for some good news...
I pray that someway, somehow, despite what modern medicine says is possible, that my body begins to respond sometime in the next few days and goes into active labor on its own. I pray that I would not have to have a c-section and that I would not be faced with the possibility of McKenna not being born alive and healthy and thriving. I also pray that my labor would be short and easy inasmuch as it was with Noah. I give you full control because it's pretty apparent I'm not able to do anything to influence the situation any differently, but you can, and I just have to have faith that you will. I thank you that you have her perfect arrival date and time in mind and I thank you in advance for that promise to be carried through. We just want to hold her and know she is whole and here safe in our arms. You have given me a successful, full-term pregnancy, and some mommies I know that were due right around when I was did not end up with healthy babies to hold and snuggle and love on, and so I thank you for protecting our little one thusfar. I feel like we are not out of the woods yet and there are still risks to come between now and delivery time, and I ask that Your hand be over those possibilities and that they would be taken away.
Please guide the Dr's heart and mind that I see this Thursday so that some better answers and more encouraging news might be present at the appointment that puts me back in a better frame of mind. Please continue to watch over our Baby Girl, McKenna Dawn, we want her here safe and sound so badly.
In Jesus' Name I Pray,